Could New Ubuntu Release Create Black Hole And Destroy The Earth?

As you are all probably aware, Apple fanboys everywhere are eagerly awaiting the release of the latest version of the Chocolate Factory's operating system, dubbed Microsoft Ubuntu 10.04 SE For Workgroups. But beneath the joviality could lie a sinister threat to the stability of many users computer systems.

Some users fear that the high energies involved in putting together a Linux distro could be enough to create a microscopic black hole which would gradually grow and eventually absorb the whole Earth and beyond. Were this to happen, and the Earth to be destroyed, all the computers in the world would stop working and aircraft would fall from the sky. The airlines would lose money in proportions that financial accountants term "for reals this time" and the global economy would crash and terrorists would take over.

However, people who actually know what they're talking about assure us that Linux distros are constantly being built in the upper atmosphere all the time, and that this is perfectly safe because any black hole which could be created by those energies, were they to be sufficiently great, would disappear before it could pose any kind of threat on default security settings.

To conclude I would like to assure the reader that Ubuntu 10.04 cannot create a black hole that would destroy the Earth.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Found Near Jesus In Hungarian Field

Christianity is one of the top up-and-coming technology companies in the twenty-first century. In a massive multi-million dollar publicity stunt they have gone and drawn the image of their CEO Jesus Christ onto a field in downtown Hungary.

It wasn't until photographed from the air for appearance in a television commercial that bystanders noticed the image of a teenage mutant ninja turtle just below the penguin with a massive erection.

Obvious to all, this is clearly a message from Leonardo that the turtles are still with us and fighting Shredder in the age of information. He is unmasked, an unequivocal statement of his concern for consumer privacy issues.

Fortunately for all, El Reg has five links in one article.

CNN Steals Article From The Onion

CNN, an up-and-coming news site, has, it appears, stolen an article from long standing and reputable news satire site The Onion. Two men with goatees (actually circle beards) tell us about the article's appearance on CNN.

The article in question, which has obviously been stolen from The Onion by CNN, is nowhere to be found on The Onion's website, further evidence that CNN has actually stolen it.

"The article is obviously from The Onion", one Internet Relay Chat participant comments, "because it is in a similar tone to the other Onion articles: Almost believable at first, but as you delve further into it it just becomes ridiculous."

The commenter was later believed to have been acting on behalf of CNN and to have stolen the comment from the person who originally would have said it.

"dude i was gonna say that ur from msn [CNN] or sumfin lol?"

Looking Back: WTBABA 2009 In Review

I didn't post anything except this in 2009 because I cannot really be bothered running a proper blog.

To conclude: As we are about to enter 2010, I look forward to creating even greater content than I have done before. The coming year will be another chapter of quality publications in the niche field of rank-amateur-meta-pseudo-journalism. It will be a year when I, with brazen determination, rise up to the challenge and beat my personal record of seven posts in the year 2008.

Technology: Technology

Do you want to know what somebody on the internet thinks are the ten technologies that are most obviously likely to flourish over the coming years? Do you yearn for hints on which companies it would have been good to invest in five years ago? Are you sure you want to know? Are you really really sure?

We have the answer - simply ask Slashdot, the social network famed for their zealous Microsoft fanboydom and semi-recent protests over the Church of Latter Day Saints parking violations. They will tell you to ask The Business of IT blog, a blog which is only distinguishable from other blogs by its name and content, which will tell you ask eHomeUpgrade, a website named after and entirely simulated on a type of Apple computer. They have either asked or been told the answer by Gartner, and have an article on it.

They predict things like mashups of webcomics being displayed on OLED billboards, or multicore processors so that Dell machines can download two tunes at once or let you read up to two emails per hour. Computing will get all Contextual and Ubiquitous on you, but you can argue back with Semantics if you want. Also mentioned is cloud computing, certain to aid with weather prediction which is good news for the Mile High Club.

Nothing Happened For A While

Nothing noteworthy happened in the past few months.

Insider Tech: Why is Everybody So Clueless as to the Importance of Jumping On The Desktop Search Bandwagon?

Not much has really happened in February that was worth blogging about. Nothing, that is, except for the Importance of Desktop Search to the Masses. For those that don't know, Desktop Search is the single most important invention in human history.

Prior to this amazing mathematical discovery, everybody's documents were stored on the internet with an index on their desktop to say where on their drive the documents first sector was located. This meant that whenever a user wanted to look for something in one of their documents they had to authenticate with the internet to download their RAM to the CPU, for every single file. This could take a long time with a lot of documents but because it was only 1995 nobody had had much time to write that many, so it was not an issue.

Now in 200345678, the year of the Linux Desktop, people have been making documents for a good ten or twenty years, so they have lots of them, and the old way of searching for them has got really slow. This is where desktop search comes in - instead of searching the internet, desktop search searches the desktop, so when you want to download one of your documents the search doesn't take as long as it would have in 1995 had you had more than a handful of documents. All the user has to do is move all their files onto their desktop and click search.

Lots of companies have tried to cash in on this - Apple created the Google Desktop, Yahoo created the Microsoft Finder, Astalavista created Windows Sideshow, and now there's a new contender set to rule them all. Sillicone Valley upstart SpectatorSwarm has created The Daily WTF, which stands for "Where's The Files?" This new product speeds things up a little because instead of pasting all the files into one big file and greppling it, it actually builds an index of all the files like on the internet.

And fortunately someone on Digg tells us how you can read all about it. No post will go unanswered!

"ANSWER! MY! F******! POST!"

"No, it isn't."

"Now I am confused."